Are you ready to apply some system in your child’s life?

A guide for parents to help children, preteens and teens arrange their lives and have a consistent life system.
During my parent coaching practice, I worked closely with many loving and caring mothers who are seeking the coaching process because they want the best for themselves and their families. They want to help their children and teens grow up in a healthy environment that serves them the best way.
90% of the mothers consider having a clear structured life for their teenagers as one of their biggest challenges because teens usually resist system rules. 50% of the parents find it hard in the busy life to be consistent with the structure and rules they set at the house. While on the other hand, some parents believe that freedom is more important for teens than structure.

First let’s define “STRUCTURE”: to give structure to something is to give it organization or arrangement or to build a systematic framework for something.
Everything around us follows a system of rules and laws. Nature has rules and laws, life in the city has rules and laws, if no rules are applied, “chaos” will be what you see and find. Imagine your company or workplace with no structure! Everybody coming to work whenever it suits him, leave at any time, no timeline, no plans….etc. “nonproductive” company will be the end result.
So in order for a living system to be Productive and chaos free, there should be a clear structure, rules, and laws where all individuals inside the system are aware of their roles and rights as well as other people’s roles and rights. Clear rewarding system, consequences, and boundaries should be set clear and agreed on by all parties within the system.
If we consider the house as a “living system”, where the parents and children share the same life, then, there should be a structure and system to organize everybody’s life.

Structure teaches children and teens some of the most valuable life values

• First, when there is a reasonable time frame for everything, the child or teen understands and appreciates the value of time; time is a gift that should be invested effectively in life.
• Second, when teens grow in a well-structured house, with roles for everyone, they grow up to be responsible individuals in their houses when they get married, responsible citizens in the community, they understand their roles and rights in the bigger system they are part of.
• Third, a well – organized house with a role for everyone allows children to be more self-confident and motivated through raising their feeling of “I am valuable, I can do it”
• Fourth, a system of rewards and consequences teaches children respect and gratitude. As rewards have to be earned and consequences have to be avoided.

• Fifth, an organized house increases the child-parents bond as well as the child-siblings bond, as there is an atmosphere of fairness and love among the different individuals in the house. Everyone contributes to the others’ lives.
• Now, let’s explore together some of the factors that we should consider while implementing structure:
  1. Areas that need rules might be: family meetings time (during lunch or dinner time or even during the weekend), bedtime and bedtime rituals, studying time and studying circumstances, technology daily usage time frame (including TV, games and social media), children’s contribution in house chores (including bedroom clean up, laundry, meals time and kitchen related tasks), weekend outings and get together with friends (time to return home, whom of his friends he’s hanging out with,…etc.).
  2. Rewards and consequences: when a child or a teen is committed to his role in the house, always follows the system plans agreed upon, his efforts should be recognized and acknowledged by the parents. For example, a teen who babysits his 5 years old sister twice a week can have an extra half an hour in the weekend outing. While when a rule is broken, the agreed upon consequences are applied firmly; for example, a teen who consistently answers back rudely might be deprived from the weekend birthday party he is invited to.
  3. Consistency:: it is the keyword for all successful living systems. With no consistency, failure is guaranteed. A consistent parent is a role model for his children, a consistent parent is a trusted person to come back to while in trouble. A consistent parent is a fair parent.
  4. Teen’s resistance: 🙁 avoiding and dealing with it). In order to avoid teen’s resistance, all rules and roles are agreed upon with them from the beginning at a family meeting where everyone has a say, and this can be a very enjoyable process repeated regularly. “When teens have a say, they automatically obey”. But of course there are times when teens resist even the rules they agreed on before, so calmness is the secret of all reactions, be calm maintain your consistency and stay strong. 
  5. Flexibility: surely we can be flexible every now and then but within limits. There are times when staying up at night for extra 10 minutes in order to share with you a nice experience that happened during the day is an essential “flexibility” with the rule. Volunteering to do the lunch dishes instead of your son is a nice flexibility if he had a long tiring day at school. 
  Finally, a system in the house is an essential tool in your “parenting toolbox” that will give you the chance, the time and the energy needed to add “the flavor of your choice” to your family.

  Heba Fawzy,
  PCI Certified Parent Coach®
  Personal Coach and PCI Instructor